8 thoughts on “Gerbil Attack!

  1. Oh yeah, I forgot about this.   As near as I can remember, the town, the mall, the newspaper, and even the reporter’s name were swiped for this hoax.  Even the license plate on the car was taken from a photo of an Ohio car.  That’s Speedy posing as Dana, (really, who can tell), in a co-worker’s scratch built tank.   I did send it to Shaenon anonymously, and only confessed to it months later.   I don’t remember why.

  2. You don’t remember why?  Because it’s a hella freakin’ cool thing to do, that’s why!  Honestly, Speedy lives a life that I could only aspire to in my wildest dreams.  I mean, am I ever going to meet Stephen Hawking?  Of course not, but Speedy has.  Can I be Speedy when I grow up?  Or you?

  3. And for Boxing Day, a tune by Frank Loesser, the Bard of Winter (he also wrote “Baby, it’s cold outside”): “What are you doing New Year’s Eve?”

    Ferret or gerbil, hamster or a rat
    Whatever, I’m not getting close to that
    What is it doing in a
    In a tank?

    It’s terrorizing lovely Midway Mall
    Quick, give Security the code-red call
    Must stop this menace in a
    In a tank

    Maybe I’m crazy to suppose
    Narbonic Lab did this, but it made those
    Gigantic gerbils that ate the mayor and
    Robbed a bank

    I would say Dana looks like the next front
    It’s the invasion of the angry runt
    Menacing us from in a
    In a tank

    Won’t someone save Elyria, our pride
    From a great mob of rodents all wild-eyed
    Or must we flee from Dana
    In a tank?

  4. You want Frank Loesser?  You got him …

    (TUNE: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, Frank Loesser)

    I went to the store …
       You fools, I’ll destroy you all!
    Ain’t seen this before!
       You fools, I’ll destroy you all!
    A gerbil or squirrel …
       I’m gonna destroy the world!
    It’s so darn small …
       I’ll rule you all, at least this mall!

    While on my way to the grocer,
       Careful, now, don’t come closer!
    It tried to obstruct my path …
       Cower or face my wrath!
    I simply walked on around,
       Bravely, I stand my ground!
    I’m in a rush today!
       Darn, another one got away!

    Hey, watch where you go!
       Surrender or you’ll be killed!
    You’re moving so slow …
       Hey, this took me hours to build!
    It must be a prank,
       My replica Leopard tank …
    Some kind of joke!
       Now all my plans go up in smoke!

    I got too much stuff to do …
       I’m gonna conquer you!
    So long, it’s been really fun …
       Holy crap, the cops, I must run!
    It kinda was cool …
       Stop laughing, you fool!
    DANA will rule you all!

  5. And this is exactly the reason why the some-day-in-the-future Skin Horse Director’s Cut *must* include filk song for each day. Preferably with links that play the melodies so readers can sing along.

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