Helen Vs. Dave Barker, Round Two

I’m sorry, Barker. I know you don’t deserve this. It was just so much fun.

ANTONIO SMITH slightly misquotes A Funeral Elegy for Master William Peter:

Then in a book where every work is writ
Shall this man’s actions be revealed, to show
The gainful fruit of well-employed wit,
Which paid to heaven the debt that it did owe.

Don Foster, the model for Dr. Smith, was responsible for identifying this anonymous poem as the probable work of William Shakespeare, thanks to FORENSIC LINGUISTICS.

I love Helen’s extremely short skirt here. Pinstriped women’s business suits will show up repeatedly throughout Narbonic, primarily because that’s what my one suit looks like.

Yes, of course this was an actual drunken email. It was sent to several different people, myself included. For the sake of posterity, and because apparently I never get tired of abusing poor Dave Barker, here is the entire original text (WARNING: CONTAINS SWEARS):

my inability toi type amuses… even me@!

shot i’m drn,. what the hell am i gonna do? i mean, i’m awfully xrunk. realy. but there’s nothing here for me to amust me. what the fuck is gonna amuse me?

oh, my ogd. i’m fucking falling 9ut of my chair. why did you let me go home? yo hsold have… i dunno. something. other than home. i mean, here ther are only walls. what good do they do?

ok, i just told a wall a funny story. a fuking funny xory a out how i got a speding ticket in hogh school. and the wall didn’t laugh, but i was aused! I so amousted byself. and is that wat’s i;portant?

readin about selma vs frederiok hyek is funny. thank you memeppool! *mwah*

ha! it’s 3am and i’m drunk! and the new narbonic. ( http://narbonic.com ) hasn’t been posted yet! I’m going to write SHAENON a drunken letter. After al i don’t moderate HER email ist. I mean, i DO. That was my point.l it’s her responsblety to be home at an reasonbably hour and post a new strip. where are her senses of patriotrism? wher is her price? pride, rather? it’s 3 am dammit! i nwws my narbonic!

microsoft is telling me that i’m tryi8ng to turn on “softke6s>.” I am NOTl

oh, crap,. i havta gat up in the *morning(* don’t I?

crap crap crap crap crap crao crap crap crap carp crap crap crap

must… resist.. temptation… 12… free. cds… not …. really././ free…

ANWYA, i better go now. i mean, i don’t want to go. odn’t think i haven’t enjoyed this conversation,. but i’km a busy guy. i got so much to do. have you seen my inbox? hang on, i’m sending you a picutre of my inbox. fuclk, someone broke myu camre.a who the FUCK BROKE MY CAMER?

it voulfd need new batteries.

anewya, away i go. i hope this email amuses yoiu. i mean there’s no toher positive effect that i could plausibly hope for. we ain’t bondin’ or nithing’.

god go with you in all the aincient places where you must walk, dave

PS: that’s not funny, that’s an old egyptian blession! not that i’m egyhptiaon, but hey.

PPS: all speelling errors are a deliberate inherent of this garmnet asnd increase (not decrease_ it’s value.

“i nwws my narbonic” is still my all-time favorite review of the strip.

Of course, Helen’s tirade fails to address the central question: why didn’t I have a new strip up by 3:00 AM that night? I dunno. I was probably off having sex or something. WORST CARTOONIST EVER.

P.S. Sorry again, Dave.

8 thoughts on “Helen Vs. Dave Barker, Round Two

  1. Apology accepted.

    And now we know the inspiration for “Professor Madblood and the Wetware Interface”?

  2. I just think it’s funny that he misspells pretty much everything except for http://narbonic.com

    And of course cartoonists don’t have sex. If they were allowed to reproduce, they’d have overrun the world by now. 

  3. Friends don’t let friends post drunk!  Keep us all safe on the Information Superhighway!  You think I’m kidding, but my friend got hit by a Win98 box, and she was knocked offline for weeks!  She never did find her L key afterwards…. 


    • Well, at least it wasn’t her “Any” key. How on earth she’d get anything done without that, Kibo only knows!

  4. Pretty good drunken rant. I try not to post drunk, but every once in a while I still slip up. The odd thing is, short of actually passing out, I apparently never get too drunk to type. My posts may be rambling, incoherent nonsense, but they’re correctly spelled and punctuated nonsense.

    Oh, and I must say that Helen really makes that suit look good.

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